Embrace Life.

so, i ended up making a doctor’s appointment even though my doctor is on vacation until the week after next. i saw a nice enough doctor though i felt extremely rushed. turns out i have a rotator cuff injury.

it looks like finishing P90 during H4H and before i leave for indy is not in the cards, the exercise gods have apparently spoken. but this does not mean failure and this does not mean giving up. i will rearrange my workout plans, listen to my body, and still bust my ass during this challenge. and i WILL be hot for halloween ;) …even if it kills me.

i’m trying to keep a positive attitude but truth be told, i feel devastated. i think sometimes i have this all or nothing mentality with weight loss and so now that i know i cannot complete one of my original goals, i feel like such a failure. and that really sucks. the “old” kayla would have just given up the challenge and exercise all together if i couldn’t complete my exact goal. the “new” me knows that i am going to see this thing through the end and i am going to be successful.

in reality, so what if i can’t finish P90 before H4H ends and before i leave for indy? who is going to really care besides me? i doubt anyone is going to fault me for listening to my body and configuring an exercise program that doesn’t cause further injury. so why am i being so hard on myself?

today has been rough. extremely rough :( 

in early may, while visiting my (now) ex-boyfriend, i woke up with excrutiating shoulder pain. the pain was near my shoulder blade as well as along my collar bone. i took some motrin and within 4 or 5 days the pain had subsided. i figured i had slept on it wrong or something.

in the middle of june, i woke up with that same pain. this time i decided to see a doctor since i was in my own town and she told me all three of my shoulder muscles were severely inflamed. told me to take some motrin, gave me some pain medication for nighttime so i could sleep, and sent me on my way. i took the meds for a few days but felt better and started Power 90. by day 4, i was in pain again. so i took some time off but knew i wanted to complete Power 90 before i leave for indianapolis at the end of october. i am now having the same pain yet again. when i started Power 90 this time i had 93 days to complete the 90 day program (if i want to get it done before i go, which i do) and now i’m worried that’s not going to happen.

this was obviously just a personal goal for me, if i don’t complete it before i go it is not the end of the world. i guess i’m just worried about this pain because it keeps coming back and i’m also extremely bummed it decided to act up right at the beginning of H4H. i will have to listen to my body and adjust my goals accordingly, if necessary.

right now i just feel like such a failure already and week one isn’t even over yet.

i posted a video on monday evening and all i can say is WOW! the continuous support i receive on youtube continually floors me! a lot of the comments i am receiving are from my new teammates in Hot 4 Halloween (hey team 7 if any of you are reading this :P). i feel so lucky to have such a supportive, kind team! lovin’ it! my schedule has been absolutely nuts so i won’t have a chance to watch anyone’s videos until friday evening - then i have a hot date with my computer! (wow, you know your love life is sad when… haha!) i cannot wait to see everyone’s vids. 

i’ve been working three jobs and i am happy to say that after sunday at 8 p.m. i will be down to two jobs! the money has been nice but i need to focus on myself and my schedule has really only allowed for barely squeaking in a workout and maybe a night or two out with friends in the last month. the good news is that i have paid off a huge chunk of debt and i am well on my way to being financially sound when i move. 

in other news, i “outted” myself to all my “real life” friends about making vlogs on youtube. it’s something that only very few people outside of youtube knew about and most of the feedback i’ve received has been positive. to be honest it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, in a weird way i felt like i was living a double life… (okay, it totally makes me laugh out loud to even write that but it’s true!) 

i cannot believe it’s already august… this summer has been filled with more heartache than i believe one person should ever have to endure in such a short period of time but as always, it has only made me stronger. and i have learned so, so, so much about who i am, what i want, and a lot about other people too. i turn twenty-five one week from today and i truly feel like it’s going to be the beginning of a lot of amazing things to come! life is good :)

H4H2 began yesterday and teams were revealed. the anticipation of reveals literally almost killed me so it only made sense that OF COURSE my team would be the last to be announced ;) kristina kept me sane during my hair appointment by updating me on teams. i am a proud memeber of team #7 with jay as my fearless leader (and so is kristina, woot!)! i find him to be extremely motivating and he is the one who inspired me to start P90 (which, btw, i have officially completed a WEEK of!!!). he’s also the voice i hear in the back of my head when i don’t want to work out,

“WHAT WAS YOUR EXCUSE TODAY?!”

really looking forward to the next 12 weeks. looking forward to getting to know my teammates, looking forward to being consistent again with youtube, and most of all looking forward to kicking some ass again at this weight loss thing. i am so excited about halloween i can’t even describe it i words.

and 86 days until Indy!!!

so, i just made my entry video for the “hot 4 halloween 2” challenge on youtube. pretty stoked about it, to be honest.

my goals:

1. eat only to fuel my body.

2. push myself harder than i ever have before.

i will do this by tracking everything, no binges, no fast food, completing Power 90, dancing 5 hours per week, and taking the stairs at work.

someone’s gonna be hot 4 halloween!!! are YOU?

i guess you could say i’ve been devoting most of my attention to a lost cause. yeah, you could definitely say that. 

so here i am, once again kicking myself. once again reminding myself that all i should be focusing on right now is ME. it’s hard to be in a bad place emotionally as an emotional eater and still stay on track but oddly enough, i gained motivation from an unlikely source last evening and decided to grab onto it and hang onto for dear life. i used to think i really need a “good” reason to lose weight but right now i need any reason at all. 

there are exactly 97 days until i arrive in indianapolis. i feel like that’s going to be the beginning of a new chapter in my life and i want to arrive in the best shape i can possibly be in. sure, three months isn’t exactly a huge span of time to completely transform my body or anything but it doesn’t mean i can’t push myself the hardest i ever have before. i’ll be meeting one of my very best friends for the first time, attending my first ever halloween party as an adult, and looking for a place to live in a brand new city (and state!).  

not only have i been missing from tumblr, i’ve been missing from youtube for a few weeks. i’m planning on making an entry to the challenge greg, etc. is putting on - i have vowed to finish it and he has vowed to kick my ass with his size 12 boot if i don’t. can’t have that, now can we?

for a long time, i have compartmentalized my life. especially the weight loss aspect. there is virtually nobody that i talk to about my struggles with weight in my “real life” and even amongst my “online” friends there are people who know i struggle with my weight and people who don’t know or at least don’t know the extent of it.

maybe you’re someone who found my blog through my vlog on youtube, maybe you’re someone who is also trying to lose weight and found this through twitter, maybe you’re a friend of mine who has never known the struggle i have with my weight. whoever you are, i’m glad you’re here and i hope you will support me in my journey.

i don’t want to compartmentalize my life anymore. it’s time to put it out there and ask for the help and support i need. the truth of the matter is i’m a twenty-four year old woman with 80-90 lbs. left to lose and that’s after losing some already. 

this blog will be in conjunction with my vlog on youtube. i’m not sure how often it will be updated but thanks for stopping by :)